Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Altar Woes & the usual stress

I have alot I wanted to blog about today. Firstly I have decided not to blog about my daily tarot card reading unless something interesting should occur. It just takes up too much space. I am instead doing it by hand in a different journal. But I will do a weekly tarot spread that I will post about. That being said I have found some insight that I posted about in my other blog so I am just going to copy what I wrote there:

I have started doing tarot readings once again and all I keep getting is sword, swords, swords. I never really view the swords as being all that positive, perhaps the images of many people being stabbed or blocked by swords don't help that. Maybe it is the double edge of the sword, sword is also that of action & with every action there is a reaction. The suit of swords is related to air- intellect, power, action, change, ambition, conflict.

Yesterday & today I both drew the card- Queen of Swords. To me it is all about confidence, independence, standing up for myself. Things I am failing to do. Where is that inner amazon I was striving to set free? & then today I pull a second card for clarification and added insight and what card do I get? Possibly the most self defining card for my issues- 8 of swords. It is a girl pictured bound & blindfolded surrounded by a prison of swords.

The prison is my own making. Trapped by my own fears. Blinded from the truth that is right in front of me. So where is my inner Amazon? Apparently I have tied her up and locked her up deep inside of me so she can't see the light of day. I tie myself up and lock myself away because I am scared. Scared of everything. i can't leave my house without having panic attacks. No actually I can't even think of leaving the house without getting myself into a panic. I am not free...

But can I change? Can I break free of this cage? I guess that is the million dollar question.

I hate it. I hate even more then no one understands. I think other people see it as just not wanting to do something. Like when the alarm goes off and you really do not want to get up. But you do it anyways. You drag yourself out of bed and go on with your life. And I think that is what is going on in other people's minds when I tell them. They just want to say, just do it. Duh it sucks but just get up and do it.

But it isn't like that. It isn't just about wanting to do something or not, sometimes it involves things I very much would like to do. It is about fear. Such deep rooted fear that can cripple you and make you feel like you want to just hide in a corner and cry but that you can't even move or breathe.

I know it isn't impossible. I know it is about the small things. Every moment, everyday just taking one small step in the right direction and not giving up. I can fill myself up with so much good positive attitude and then poof I fall apart before I get far. It is hard to keep that attitude going strong.

But I am not giving up. I will channel that amazon. Even if right now all i can get from her is a whisper within the darkness. I will hold on to it and build from there.

~~ yeah so i am stressed bleh. Deep breath, all will be well.

I found a park by my house. I have lived here almost a year and didn't know it was there bleh. I had searched for parks and found some a bit farther away but then yesterday I am talking to my DH while driving through this one neighborhood, about how pretty it was and green and while I do love my apartment it is right on mainstreet so when I go for walks I gotta walk right smack by the busy road and hate it and would love to walk in the quite neighborhood instead. And she is like well why don't you walk in the park? ME: eh what park? lol So he takes a alittle drive and sure enough a park, with a huge pond even and a walking trail around the pond. WTH!! It didn't show up on the online maps marked as a park so I had no idea. lol

Tomorrow if the weather isn't too horrid I will go walk there. Meditate by the water and walk around. Atleast something is going well. I really have been missing the outside far too much. this will do wonders for me.

Now onto my altar woes...

I want a real perfect lovely set up altar space. And it has been eating away at me. Currently I have my altar set up on the top of like a computer bookshelf thingy. It is in the corner and just is tiny and a terrible height and I just hate it.

So i wanted to buy this lovely cheapy coffee table I saw. it would have been divine! Plenty of space for the set up I want and I could put it up in the bedroom near the bed. But I am having money issues and the DH might be losing his job so buying anything right now is just not going to be in the cards. This ofcourse is annoying me to no end. So idk really what to do right now. I might just leave it set up on the shelf as it is an then for rituals just move it to our real coffee table for rituals.

Also I am working on some moon info for my blog and some craft projects and thinking of my Beltane ritual. So much to do.....

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