H is for Healing & Growth

I was thinking about which topic I would blog about this week. Then today as I sat down to write another word came to mind, that of Healing. It is something actually very important to me.

I touched lightly on the subject of my depression a few times in my blog & I really loved the post here- And So She Screams. I have alot of issues to say the least lol. I struggle with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia. Alot of it stems with control issues. I want everything to be perfect and happy & within my control. But life just isn't like that. You plan and expect a rose and you get a thorn. And while I Know this to be the case rationally I still struggle.

I stumbled upon this blog: http://www.brenebrown.com/badge/ that led me to this article: Want to be happy? Stop trying to be perfect. I so suggest reading it.

"We get sucked into perfection for one very simple reason: We believe perfection will protect us. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.
We all need to feel worthy of love and belonging, and our worthiness is on the line when we feel like we are never ___ enough (you can fill in the blank: thin, beautiful, smart, extraordinary, talented, popular, promoted, admired, accomplished).
Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth; it's a shield. Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from being seen and taking flight."

Honesty ~ I have been hurt. I have been let down. I have been broken. I have been filled with fear. And more then anything else I just want to feel safe and protected. I can't move forward, I can't find my courage or strength I can't begin to heal...because I haven't let go of all that is holding me down.

I need to be able to heal, inside and out.

I have a black thumb. I kill plants :( But I have two beautiful orchids that are still alive! It is a miracle. One of the stems began to turn yellow and I read that it meant that it was dying. I needed to cut away that stem so that the plant could use its strength to grow stronger and bloom again.

I think that is the same thing. Right now I am throwing so much of my energy into my pain & fear that it is stifling my growth. I have to let go, cut away all of that negativity that suffocates me so that I can continue to grow.

Just as I wrote in the other blog entry I linked above, one of my issues has been that in my darkest, most painful time I have turned away from my spirituality, away from the Goddess.Instead I need to turn to the Goddess and begin to heal with Her. With hope, faith, courage and love for myself and the Goddess I can heal & grow.

Only in the darkness can you see the stars.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr. 

I think healing is not as simple as just going from point A to B. It takes time, & growth on its own. I kindof think of it as a descent into the inner most of my being. The dark cave where the Crone Goddess rules and has wisdom & guidance to share if you are willing to face the fear of the darkness and unknown and face your reflection. It is the journey to the underworld where you have to cut ties and die to be reborn.

• Acknowledging the pain, being honest with myself and baring my heart & soul.
• Forgiveness of myself and others and the universe. At the very least myself. Realizing what mistakes I have made & learning from them and at the same time seeing the things that were not my fault. That I was the victim and I can't hate myself for what has happened to me, what was done to me.
• They say that nature abhors a vacuum. I can remove, banish, release all the pain but I have to fill it with something positive in turn. 

To begin with the next New Moon is coming up on the 21st. I will plan and hold a cleansing & banishing ritual for release.

I was reading eslewhere about a god box. Where you write your worries on little pieces of paper and put them in the box. I like the concept. I have this beautiful little candle holder that is shaped like a lantern and reminded me of the element of air. I just bought it and wasn't sure what I would do with it just yet. I will let it hold the little pieces of paper- my worries. I will take them and set them free.

On the next Full Moon I will do another ritual for healing.

Every morning & night I will pray/meditate and do affirmations. I spend so much of each day putting myself down, tearing myself apart, focusing on the negative. Instead I will focus on the positive, the beauty, love, strength, courage, etc...


*//* I created the above image from an Amazing site called http://www.wordle.net/ I love it to create words images for spellwork & it works really well for these positive affirmation words.

This site http://www.goddess.com.au/affirmations.htm#AffirmationGenerator has some great ideas & tips for working with affirmations.

This post was inspired by the Pagan Blog Project -Letter H

Sunrise ~ Sunset

Sunrise
        Sunshine


Today is the Sunday prompt to set my goals & be refreshed as the new week begins. And it couldn't come at a better time.

I feel like my energy can be a rollercoster. I can rise high with strength, hope, inspiration & then fall back down into an overwhelmed pile of emptiness. It makes me think of the sun, rising each morning with new energy but then she falls each night. But she truly isn't gone. And that is what I must remember. My energy will go up and down but it still needs to be held in balance & a more natural rhythm. I need to recognize when I go down and plan that energy in a different way.

So what happened was that before I moved I was pumped with shining bright energy and sparks of ideas. I had plans and knew what I was gonna do. Though at the same time I knew things were going to be hectic with the move. I was planning on creating a routine when my life would be upside down for a few weeks lol. Looking back I should have taken that more into consideration and not beat myself up so much when things went crazy & things were outside my control.

Yet at the same time I let the chaos be an excuse. If something wasn't perfect then I threw it all out of the window.

I have to set my routine and be specific. I know this. I just have to do it. Same with my morning rituals. I need to be more specific. I like spontaneity & the room to flow naturally. But at the same time I have to be honest with myself and the fact that without a defined plan I just do not have to focus to do what I need to do & follow through.

So that is my goal for this week - to put the final details on my routine and morning ritual and then follow through!

May the Goddess bless me with the energy, focus and courage to do so!

And so She Screams: Part Three

In a Magickal state of mind....

My Mantra:
I am STRONG. I am an Amazon Goddess. Nothing can stand in my way. Nothing can stop me from achieving my goals. Not even myself- not doubt or fear. Because I AM stronger then I think I am. Even at my worst, when I am collapsed on the floor in a puddle of my own tears- I can pick myself up. I can wipe the dust off and with it all the excuses. & move forward & grow.

I am strong. I can do it. I will do it.

I suffer from a panic disorder. It can be extremely difficult someday. Doing a simple mundane task can be a chaotic overwhelming mess. I have panic attacks where I feel overwhelmed, lost, and like the world is spinning out of control. 

One of the ways I deal with it is to stop & ground myself. I need to feel connected to the Earth and bring my focus back to reality. So one trick I use is to breath deeply then focus on my breathing. Then I say silently to myself-

"I am a tree. Strong & beautiful. My roots sink deep into the Earth. My branches reach high into the heavens. The Goddess is with me. I am safe & protected."

These are things that I need to remind myself. Focus on.  I think I will plan a healing ritual for tomorrow and then keep these in mind in my morning rituals!

And so She Screams: Part Two

Continued.....

I was reading this amazing blog: http://www.buildaltars.com/2011/04/18/ritual-morning-routine/
She has a 3 part plan that is just genius. One begins with morning routines, which in truth begins with a night routine of bedtimes. (hint it is almost 5am as I write this and I haven't gone to bed yet....) I felt so much better when I went to sleep at a normal time, and around the same time every night & then woke up at around the same time everyday. I got things done. I was well rested. I read so many articles about health and how sleep is so important.

While I have always been a night owl, I actually love early mornings. The world just beginning to stir. Birds singing. The sun just rising and you can literally feel the warmth washing over you. It is so peaceful & feels just so magickal to me. I have this whimsical fanatasy of waking up early. First thing just running, doing yoga and meditating at my altar, doing a morning ritual/prayer, pulling a tarot card, drinking herbal tea, etc...

 So I have decided to shamelessly copy her example to get me started!

STEP 1: Reality Check
Tell the truth about your situation. 

My situation: Well my DH was working a night shift. This made it hard if I wanted to see him for more then 10 mins a day. We did this before... I was going to bed just as he came home or when he stayed late which is often the case being in bed before he even got home. Then as he stayed up late he would then sleep in late. Which also sucked for me because it was difficult getting anything done when he is asleep and I don't want to wake him up.

One solution would be to just follow his same schedule- but it sucked. Because he wouldn't go to sleep when he got home. He would stay up even later going to be in the early hours of the morning and then sleep until he had to get ready for work. I prefer to be up during the day. Idk but the morning I have always been able to get more done.

BUT.... his new schedule is a 5 day opener. So this gives me an awesome chance to get back on my old schedule. I will set a bedtime. It doesn't have to be in stone but it needs to be prob within 30 mins of it.


Step 2: What do I need to do to feel good?
Pick three things you need to feel good about yourself.

1. Healthy body- All the good things that take care of my body. Exercising, eating correctly (paying attention to my bloodsugar), eating healthy, vitamins.

2. Spirit. Meditation every morning/night, lighting candles and praying. Just giving a moment to focus on my spirituality every day.

3. Mind. I want to journal every day. Even if it is just 5 mins to write a short note. I love to journal. It helps me work out so many of my crazy thoughts and see things from such a more rational perspective.

These 3 things are the core of me feeling better. They are my roots digging deep down into the Earth and establishing a strong foundation for me to grow.

Step 3: Create & Commit to a Routine
And so begins turning all of that into a routine she says.

Ofcourse this is the hard part lol. If I get up right after the DH leaves for work then I can drink some water, pray/meditate, pull a tarot card and only post it to my tarot journal (no details at first). Then do some quick stretching/exercise followed by more water & breakfast (oh and vitamins oops lol)

Then she goes on to part 2 the practical:
http://www.buildaltars.com/2011/05/24/ritual-morning-routine-part-2/

This is all good advice she lists here. Things I probably wouldn't have completely thought about. Obviously setting a bedtime like I said before, but also planning ahead so that everything is ready in the morning. I have my tarot cards, candles ready. I know what I am eating for breakfast, what exercises to do, etc...

& things to stay on track- don't give up if things are not working but instead make changes. & get a buddy- I do have great support and as I have been told need to communicate & share.



I will continue later with step 3- creating a mantra & a collage to help focus my intent!

I really encourage everyone to check out
http://www.buildaltars.com/2011/04/18/ritual-morning-routine/
it is awesome :)