Etsy

So I haven't been blogging lately at all. lots of stuff going on. Which brings me to some very big news....

I am starting my own little business! I am so excited. I have wanted to do it forever but it always felt like a dream that I would do...someday. Well someday is today! My DH really pushed me and said you want to do it, then do it have all the money you want to spend to set up and do not worry. Have fun.

I am going to be making and selling candles on http://www.etsy.com/. If you haven't heard of it, Etsy is a great website where people can sell handmade items and vintage stuff. It isn't ebay where people just throw up everything it is all supposed to be mostly handmade stuff. I love the site & have shopped there in the past. It is a great place to find unique stuff for sure & I truly love the handmade nature of it. Knowing that I can talk to the person who actually crafted the item I am buying.

I remember once my husband and I were shopping for christmas and went into this glass shop and we sat there talking to this little old couple that owned it and he made everything in the store himself right there in front of us even. It was so neat and I loved that we got to talk to them. We ended up buying little glass frogs for my MiL in case you are curious lol.

Anyways I love candles. I use them all the time and really love making them. It is a huge creative outlet getting to think of color/scent combos, type of candles and taking pictures of them and everything.

My candles will be all soy and for now I am sticking with mostly votive, tealights, melts & tarts. I will expand later on though.

Starting your own business even online is a ton of work. I mean I knew it would be work but there is so much I was like wow I didn't even think of that. It is giving me a ton of stuff to do just setting up so I am not up and running yet or even close.

This whole experience has really just opened me up and has made me feel great. I am back to a normal sleep pattern and getting this done. I am happy and in a good mood and focused and thinking positive stuff. it is great. I am really happy.

Anyways my shop isn't up yet I am still in the set up/testing stage. But just wanted to update everyone to say I am still alive lol I would love positive thoughts.

Beltane Blessings

I hope everyone had a very blessed Beltane. I thought I would attempt to express how I celebrate the Sabbat & shine some light on the Dianic meaning & views of the day.

*//* NOTE: My word is my own unique opinion. I do not speak for every Dianic or witch or pagan or anyone else. I encourage you to do some research and trust your own intuition. While I will attempt to give a balanced view, it still comes from my own experiences, study, and wisdom. Thanks!

Beltane takes place on May 1st in the Northern Hemisphere. It is a cross-quarter celebration which falls between the Spring Equinox & Summer Solstice. Beltane is the other side to Samhain. While the theme of Samhain is that of darkness & death, Beltane is that of light & life's energy. Both are believed to be the times of the year when the veil between the worlds is at its thinnest. Meaning that during Samhain the dead are free to pass into our world & during Beltane it is the fae. Both celebrations are very important and hold great magickal energy.

Traditional Beltane themes include:

• That of FIRE, usually with a large fire lit. The name Beltane even means Bright-Fire.
• A celebration of the warmer weather. 
• Flowers which are in bloom
• Fertility & the union of the Goddess & God.
• Faeries, magic & a thin veil

 Now the Dianic wheel of the year is very similar to that of the Wiccan one in that we honor the changing season & celebrate in reviving and/or acknowledging some traditional customs of the Sabbat. The big difference is that instead of viewing the duality of the Goddess & God we choose to celebrate just the Goddess & our own reflection of Her/our life/natures cycle that we refer to as women's mysteries. From birth, maidenhood, motherhood, cronehood, death, everything in between and around again and again.

"The Goddess has the power to bring forth life, nurture life, protect life, sustain life, and destroy life. This concept contains nature's entire continuum."1

Beltane for Dianics celebrates the Goddess Diana. Within the Wheel of the Year it's spoke represents the time in women's mysteries for a Maiden to be initiated into womanhood through her menarche or first blood. It is a time where innocence is lost & we begin to awaken to our bodies, our sensuality and sexual feelings.

The Dianic path is very open to creativity & manifest ritual, so there is not a specific ritual beyond that theme. It can easily be adjusted to suit what we need at that moment.

Personally I feel it is a good time for healing ourselves as women. So often our menstruation/moon blood is looked at with shame & embarrassment. Something to be hidden away or worse as a curse. But it is a natural and sacred part of our life's as women. It's presence contains that which enables us to give life.

We can also reinforce the ideal of true beauty and not the airbrushed/photoshopped crap. As the weather warms up it can be a cut to our self esteem as we want to start dressing to recognize the warmth and deal with our hang ups and imperfections. 

Another way to honor the day would be with healing of our sexual sides. Through rape, trauma, molestation, guilt, shame, bad body images, etc.... We can choose to be free and take control of our sexuality and our bodies. Heal them, recharge them.

Some ideas to celebrate the day:

• Feasts because food is energy and life and always good to have during a celebration. 
• Leaving offerings of food, ribbons, shiny things etc... for the fae.
• Decorate with fresh flowers & the colors- white for innocence, red for blood, and pink for the inbetween.
• Create a Maypole which may be a turn off in its phallic symbolism for Dianics but can be seen also as just a symbol of the festive day (think Christmas tree for non christians) and decorated with white & red ribbons for the joining of balance.
• Save some moonblood or other blood for ritual
• Create & burn red and white candles
• Take a ritual bath, adorn your hair in flowers and do your ritual in the nude to honor your body
• Raise some sexual energy

Now I am going to share some personal stuff here that may be triggering to those who have experienced sexual trauma.

Beltane is a very important celebration of me because of its meaning and healing energy of ourselves as women. Firstly because I suffer from PCOS. Because of this my menstruation is all out of whack. I will have them and then not for a long time. When I do it is usually very painful- like go to the ER painful. It also means that it is very hard for me to conceive. Which is something I want very very badly. It has been a difficult issue in my life and has touched my spirituality deeply. This time of year I am thankful for my health that I do have. I pray and direct healing energy for the rest of the year so that I may heal and find medicine that works and helps.

Secondly I have talked before alittle bit about my panic disorder well a part of it does stem from the fact that I was raped. Trust & intimacy do not flow easily after something like that. I use the time to reflect on my own safe desires & plant the seeds & work on reinforcing safe intimacy, healing and love. I also work on some self love of my body, mind and spirit. Though none of us are perfect or live up to the airbrushed/photoshop ideal of beauty- I AM BEAUTIFUL!



Linkage-
I highly recommend Ariadne's Thread by Shekhinah Mountainwater for her Goddess spirituality Wheel of the Year
I also recommend Women's Rites, Women's Mysteries by Ruth Barrett which has great info as well.
Some cute Beltane crafts


1- quote from  Women's Rites, Women's Mysteries by Ruth Barrett

PBP- H is for Heaven, Hell & the Hearafter.

I have always found the afterlife an interesting topic. I grew up with a belief in heaven. A promise that when I died and left this body I would go to a happy lovely place full of clouds and all my family would be there. Unless ofcourse if I were naughty and then I guess I would go to hell and burn for all eternity with some type of torture and pain involved.

*//*Note: This is all from my own perspective & thoughts. I obviously do not have any idea what happens when we die. It is a best guess scenario.  I could be right, I could be way wrong. I think it is best if people come to their own conclusions. I do not mean any disrespect to others views, I am only attempting to explain why I do not feel a specific idea is right to me. Thanks.

I guess there are those who would say I was going straight to hell. I am a bisexual witch who has sinned alot. I have broken every single seven deadly sin. I have broken I think 8 of the 10 commandments. I haven't committed murder or adultery. But hey I am still young right? lol I am only kidding ofcourse.

I have always found it very strange though the concept of hell. I can be a good person. I could spend my entire life devoted to others but if I do one thing wrong I have to be tortured for all of eternity for it? That is less a concept of punishment and more one of pure hatred IMO. Shouldn't it be instead people learning from their mistakes and becoming better in spite of them? I do not believe in a real hell. Not an eternal afterlife of pain and misery or punishment for doing the wrong thing or making the wrong choice. I understand the basic reasoning behind it. I see it as the boogey man. Something to scare and warn people into doing the right thing.

If there is any type of hell I think I would view it alot like that in the movie What Dreams May Come. I really liked that movie, though I saw it forever ago so my memory may not be that fresh lol. Instead of there being an evil horrid hell that you are sent to, hell is a place you create yourself & trap yourself in it. I think this is something that already happens now to many people. Feelings of guilt, pain, anger, fear trap us into a prison of our own making. Perhaps this could echo right through into the afterlife.

Perhaps it would be the same as heaven. Is heaven supposed to be perfect? Besides the idea that my idea of perfection may not be the same as yours. It reminds me of the Matrix (I won't link to it because really who doesn't know about that movie??). In it the machines tried to build a perfect world for us but we rejected it. We strive for drama. I think perfection has no point, no reason. If there is no reason then why even exist?

If tomorrow you woke up with all the answers and had all the happiness you could ever ask for, what would you do? Just be? I think that would be utterly boring. You wouldn't even need to think or feel. Everything would be meaningless. You can't have light without the dark to give it meaning.

With the idea of intent and purpose it led me to that of reincarnation. I love the idea of it. That my body may die but that my consciousness can go on unending. Life is short. Incredibly short for some. I think the only point it can have is for me to experience it and learn and take it all in. And then I can die and be reborn and something new and experience something completely different.

I like the thought that I have lived many different lives. I think I could have even experienced life in many different ways. Have been a tree or an animal, or a flying dolphin on another world. Life is vast and I do not think it is limited to human beings.

I would like to think that I get to choose what I am reborn as and if I even am. I think that this body only holds a part of our consciousness and once released from it that I am more connected to the universe and a part of everything.

So in that same thought I think once my body dies my soul just melds into the cosmic flow of the universe and the Goddess. I like to see it as a great sea. Everything is within it, nothing without. I am just a drop of water, unique and yet a part of the greater essence.

 We all come from the Goddess And to her we shall return. Like a drop of rain. Falling to the ocean ~ Z Budapest


I do not believe in the idea of karma and reincarnation. Where what we do in this life binds what happens in the next. It makes me feel too much like the whole blame the victim mentality. Your life is horrid so you just blame yourself for really screwing it up in a past life. I can't see that because I look at a child who has been hurt, abused and see nothing but innocence. But in that same thought, if I did choose this life did I choose to have bad things happen to me? 


It gets confusing for sure. I am not sure really. I have thought about it alot. There have been times in my life where I just want to scream out why? Why do I suffer or have this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? People say you are given only what you can handle to make you stronger and such. But I don't believe that. Because some people are given far too much for them to handle and it is easy to say they just gave up or didn't try but in truth sometimes it is just really too much. 

I think while some things are driven by fate alot of things are also just random or chaotic. A flip of a coin it could go either way. Which feels like a hopeless way to look at things but as much as I ponder it is the only reason I can come up with that makes sense to me.


I admit I fear dying. It is scary and unknown. I could be right, I could be wrong. there is no way to know, no guarantee. You just have to have faith. 


I think alot of people put too much thought into the afterlife and do not just focus on life right now. They see this life, this body as just a burden or hurdle to get over so they can have eternal whatever. I think that is sad. 

I think if there was a heaven it would be right here in this life, in this moment. In the love & happiness all around us. Perhaps heaven and hell exist in everyday moments. Everyday we die and are reborn just like the setting and rising sun. 








 

Z. Budapest VS the Pagan community

So lately there has been alot of discussion in the pagan community over Z Budapest once again. Z made a statement on facebook saying basically that she wishes people to stop using her chant We All Come From the Goddess without credit, for making profit, or by adding additional words (mostly those that add God) into it. She said that she added a hex into the song for those that did not follow her instructions, later saying that the hex part was tongue in cheek.

Now to begin with let me say that I do not think the way she went about it was the correct way. Mentioning any hex, tongue in cheek or not, wasn't appropriate IMO and did bring alot more negativity to the entire situation. The old saying- you get more flies with honey seems to be worth remembering. Would it have been different if she asked nicely? I think slightly so. And the fact that I think only slightly so is what bothers me.

But on this point, I have no way of knowing if she meant the part about hexing or not. It could have been tongue in cheek or just spoken out of frustration or it could have been meant. I do wonder if someone less disliked said it would people have seen it differently? eh I assume in the same thought, she made her bed and if people dislike her for it then it is to be expected. She is outspoken and that usually leads to foot in mouth syndrome lol

 Z's situation reminds me of PETA. To be outspoken, to be loud, to stand up for what you believe, and to be angry about the situations is difficult. There is a thin line between crazy and truth perhaps. I feel deep down PETA does care & love animals and just wants them to be safe and protected. And all too often a strong voice of any message gets drowned out. Then people feel they need to be louder and make huge arms flailing types of statements that many might seem as down right nutty. It is easy to cross the line and go far off your message yourself.

No one is perfect & having all the heart in the world won't make you innocent of putting your foot in your mouth.

In the same way as PETA does care for animals, I think Z does care about women, the Goddess, feminism, women's rights. I think sometimes she takes what I feel is a misstep in trying to protect, honor & love those things.


I love Z. When I first found my path of Dianic Witchcraft, her books inspired me. I was a young feminist woman in love with the Goddess & her words spoke to me & shaped my path deeply. I still recommend her book of Holy Mysteries to all women interested in the Goddess path.

Since then my path has grown and been shaped by other things as well. I am still Dianic. Still a feminist. I disagree with Z on the entire women born women in groups, while still wanting Dianic circles to be women only. Just that being woman might need to be redefined. I feel awkward quoting myself lol but I wrote about it on my Dianic page:

"Within Dianic circles though there is an open confusion on those who are transgender & if we should be only women born women or not. It is a difficult topic. I can certainly see both sides of the discussion. I think for the most part the real issue is that as mentioned above we feel that it should be open to only women who can truly know what it is like to be a woman and go through the mysteries and rites of being born a woman. Yet at the same time so many women these days are born with health issues that may not let them experience them. I myself have PCOS. There are women who do not bleed, women who can not give birth for a variety of reasons. But it is supposed to be covered by the fact that being born a woman still gives you the innate creative potential and embodiment of the Goddess. Within you still lies that connection to the flow. But it leaves me to wonder if that may also lie within those who were not born into a traditional woman’s body? Could the soul still be tied to that of the Goddess and Her energy?

I think the other issue is that we are still young in so many ways, most certainly of our understanding of the universe. There is still a lot of confusion our there on those that are transgender and even more so for those of us who have not experienced it.

I feel that our circles can be something very private and that it is important for each woman in the group to feel safe and comfortable within that circle. So I can certainly understand why some may be restrictive of who they let in. Yet in my heart I pray that we as a whole can be more accepting and learn to broaden our acknowledgement of womanhood. It won’t be something that happens overnight but with time I believe many of our sisters will give a voice to this issue" 

And lately more and more I see Dianic circles removing the women born women policy. Alot more groups then when I first started on this path. I think it is the way of life, the older groups hold on to what they knew while the youth steps up with new ideas about the world around them. You see it with everything- racism, homosexuality, etc... 

What bothers me though is how the pagan community is behaving over the entire situation. Like little immature children on the playground throwing out lines that build just as much separation and discord as the fault Z for. 

It is ok to dislike someone. It is ok to disagree with someone. But should we really be throwing stones, passing judgement, and even going so far to belittle someone? 

Many of the comments I saw in popular pagan communities made me cringe. Not only did they skip the entire topic, many said she deserved it, many decided to just attack her, many even attacked her path. 

The topic of copyright is important to me. I have been in many artists communities and seen how heartbreaking it is if someone steals your work and uses it however they wish. You put your heart and soul and a piece of you into something you love & cherish and then to see it twisted & abused. 

If a different well loved pagan elder had something they wrote and a conservative pagan hating group changed the lyrics to spread hate. Everyone would be up in arms. It would go against the message that it was created within. & still be stealing. 

I feel that we within the pagan community should care about this subject. Copyright & theft of others works is very rampant within the pagan community. Here is a link on Patheos about it. I have seen so many pagan websites pop up that is 100% stolen from others works! It is a real shame.

I think as a pagan community we should stand up for the rights of pagan artists and respect them, their wishes, and their art. Even if you do not like the artist or agree with them.

If she doesn't want God added then why shouldn't we respect that wish?? If she didn't want us to add satan or the christian god would that make a difference?

Secondly as I said people went far off topic- their issues & comments had zero to do with copyright or her work but just straight attacks on her as a person. Saying she is only doing it for attention & calling her crazy. It was just in such distaste I think. I understand the anonymity of the internet is supposed to get people out of the realm of reason but still I would hope to see more respectful behavior out of any spiritual group of people.

And lastly the attacks on her (AND MY) faith.... Being Dianic I have seen and been the object of dislike just for it. It is really frustrating to say the least. On one forum I am on during the topic of Z's hex came up and one woman brought up the fact that she was once Dianic but wanted to be more balanced and valued men too much. What did her change of faith have to do with the topic? What does value of men have to do with being Dianic?

No it doesn't help out path with Z being so outspoken on some issues. But I think as pagans we should 100% understand that one person doesn't speak for all of us. How many times have I seen people try to distance themselves from the work of some writers or from the little fluffy high priests who will curse you if you look at them wrong. No one wants to be judged or have their path judged by one person!

And I do not even understand judging another's path as wrong at all. many pagans came to paganism because the path they were on didn't fit them and they wanted to find something that was a perfect fit. They should understand that one path does not fit all.

• The Dianic path is NOT about hating men. I love my husband with all my heart. I love my brothers very very much. I love my brother in laws and father in law and a whole mess of other men. Not one thing within the path of Dianc has anything to do with hating men or viewing men as less then.

I love cats alot. My crazy cat lady love for cats doesn't mean I hate all other types of animals. I love chocolate alot, doesn't mean that is all I eat or want to eat. I do not understand how people think that having love & focus on one thing means I hate everything else.

I believe we ALL came from the Goddess. We ALL are apart of the Goddess. Men, women, children. A man is no less part of the Goddess then I am.

Can some Dianic women be sexist? Sure, just like every other group in the world can have those who embrace negativity or hate. That does not mean the entire group does. In my entire time being Dianic I have met very very very few women who were sexist. Most of us are feminist, we believe in equal rights for all. 

I do not pretend men do not exist. I do not pretend that masculine energy doesn't exist.

I am NOT unbalanced. Nor is my path unbalanced. 

We just view balance differently then you do. Infact you seem quite unbalanced from my view of things.

How does putting everything into two boxes of mascule & feminine equal balance? It seems that you just take all the extra stuff that doesn't fit and try to force it? What of those in nature that reproduce asexually? They certainly do not fit into masculine & feminine idea of balance. What about the gays, lesbians & transgender? Where do they fit in where the most basic fundamental spoke of the masculine & feminine together?

I do not look at balance as left vs right, up vs down, or masculine vs feminine. I view balance as a circle. Everything is within the circle, perfectly balanced and whole. Nothing gets in the way of this vs that. I can view then sun as feminine and the moon as masculine then. I can look outside of each box and expand within the circle so that feminine energy touches each aspect- strength as well as emotions. But that doesn't mean only feminine energy does so, the masculine does as well. It means that masculine energy can also find gentleness and softness and be emotional. 

No one can focus on everything or every single aspect of everything. Our minds would implode trying lol.
I choose to focus on the Goddess, because I am a woman and I practice and believe in a manifest deity. That I choose to understand & connect through the Divine through myself and my feminine experiences.

That does not mean I think of Goddess or women as better then anything. I see it as no different then focusing on a specific pantheon because if you tried to worship every deity out there you would be quite a mess probably!


So please people think before you speak! Don't let your ignorance put down another or their path.

Altar Pics

Well since it looks like I am stuck with having my altar where it is opposed to moving it, I decided to make the best of it.

This is my altar. It is small & I couldn't fit everything I wanted on it but it works. Honestly I am very happy with how it turned out.

Hanging on the wall is my moon phase calendar that I made, a poem I wrote, a dream catcher & a star, in the middle all together is my witchy jewelery- my moon/pentacle necklace, bead bracelet with a feather charm, mala prayer beads & my pendulum.

On my altar from left to right:

This really beautiful yellow & white plate with spirals. I love it for Spring. It holds my general white candle and many different stones for Earth.

Behind that is my a pitcher. It represents Water. You can not really tell in the pics but it is beautifully colored with all the colors of the rainbow. I love it.

Next is an image of the Goddess that my sister made for me. It has carvings on it of the moon & flowers but you can't tell in the pic. In front of that is a deer statue to represent Artemis. And some amethyst & another stone for Earth.

In the center is a beautiful kneeling woman statue candle holder that my sister also made me- isn't she awesome & amazing?? In front of it is a butterfly bead a Goddess group I am involved in sent me.

Next is a statue of Bast. I bought this when I was on a trip back to Colorado. I fell madly in love with it as soon as I saw it.

The shell I am right now using as an offering bowl.

In the back right corner is a candle oil burner. I can't use incense because of my pets & DH. I won't lie, I miss using it lol. But now I burn oils instead. It is representing fire for me.

Next to that is my newest addition which is this so cute candle holder that is shaped like a lantern. It is filled with stones. I was going to use it as a candle holder but instead am using it as kindof a worry jar. Where I put pieces of paper that I have written my troubles on. It also contains a feather that I found that is representing Air.

Then I have a star shaped candle that my DH bought me that came in a bathset. I lover it, it even has spirals on it!

My altar cloth is a scarf I bought. I felt it was lovely and flowery for Spring.


I feel it is very important to fill my altar with meaningful items. Not just have them there for looks or even symbolism. Everything on my altar, perhaps the oil burner, means a great deal to me. I also very much love the color purple if you couldn't tell lol. i am fine with the over run color of purple, as it is who I am & it does represent spirituality & amethyst has great helpful meaning for me & in alot of what I do. So it works well for me.

Things I still want to add:

• I would really love a strong symbol for Persephone. I have been working with a few ideas.
• I am working on a neat craft project to add moon images & one of the sun around my altar.
• I would like to replace the oil burner and add some better fire imagery
• I would love an altar tile/plate to have in the center for candle burning and such. I have a large item that won't fit currently. I might try to make one.
• I would really love some live plants/flowers. 
• I have my eye on a small cauldron 
• I would like a wand. It isn't a huge want for me, I direct energy with my body. So I am in no rush, just waiting to find something completely perfect. I may someday make it myself.

My altar is in my computer room near my computer. It sits on top of a small bookcase. I have three cats & rats. So I have to be careful. So far everyone has behaved with it lol.

click the pics for bigger views btw!

H is for Healing & Growth

I was thinking about which topic I would blog about this week. Then today as I sat down to write another word came to mind, that of Healing. It is something actually very important to me.

I touched lightly on the subject of my depression a few times in my blog & I really loved the post here- And So She Screams. I have alot of issues to say the least lol. I struggle with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia. Alot of it stems with control issues. I want everything to be perfect and happy & within my control. But life just isn't like that. You plan and expect a rose and you get a thorn. And while I Know this to be the case rationally I still struggle.

I stumbled upon this blog: http://www.brenebrown.com/badge/ that led me to this article: Want to be happy? Stop trying to be perfect. I so suggest reading it.

"We get sucked into perfection for one very simple reason: We believe perfection will protect us. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.
We all need to feel worthy of love and belonging, and our worthiness is on the line when we feel like we are never ___ enough (you can fill in the blank: thin, beautiful, smart, extraordinary, talented, popular, promoted, admired, accomplished).
Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth; it's a shield. Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from being seen and taking flight."

Honesty ~ I have been hurt. I have been let down. I have been broken. I have been filled with fear. And more then anything else I just want to feel safe and protected. I can't move forward, I can't find my courage or strength I can't begin to heal...because I haven't let go of all that is holding me down.

I need to be able to heal, inside and out.

I have a black thumb. I kill plants :( But I have two beautiful orchids that are still alive! It is a miracle. One of the stems began to turn yellow and I read that it meant that it was dying. I needed to cut away that stem so that the plant could use its strength to grow stronger and bloom again.

I think that is the same thing. Right now I am throwing so much of my energy into my pain & fear that it is stifling my growth. I have to let go, cut away all of that negativity that suffocates me so that I can continue to grow.

Just as I wrote in the other blog entry I linked above, one of my issues has been that in my darkest, most painful time I have turned away from my spirituality, away from the Goddess.Instead I need to turn to the Goddess and begin to heal with Her. With hope, faith, courage and love for myself and the Goddess I can heal & grow.

Only in the darkness can you see the stars.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr. 

I think healing is not as simple as just going from point A to B. It takes time, & growth on its own. I kindof think of it as a descent into the inner most of my being. The dark cave where the Crone Goddess rules and has wisdom & guidance to share if you are willing to face the fear of the darkness and unknown and face your reflection. It is the journey to the underworld where you have to cut ties and die to be reborn.

• Acknowledging the pain, being honest with myself and baring my heart & soul.
• Forgiveness of myself and others and the universe. At the very least myself. Realizing what mistakes I have made & learning from them and at the same time seeing the things that were not my fault. That I was the victim and I can't hate myself for what has happened to me, what was done to me.
• They say that nature abhors a vacuum. I can remove, banish, release all the pain but I have to fill it with something positive in turn. 

To begin with the next New Moon is coming up on the 21st. I will plan and hold a cleansing & banishing ritual for release.

I was reading eslewhere about a god box. Where you write your worries on little pieces of paper and put them in the box. I like the concept. I have this beautiful little candle holder that is shaped like a lantern and reminded me of the element of air. I just bought it and wasn't sure what I would do with it just yet. I will let it hold the little pieces of paper- my worries. I will take them and set them free.

On the next Full Moon I will do another ritual for healing.

Every morning & night I will pray/meditate and do affirmations. I spend so much of each day putting myself down, tearing myself apart, focusing on the negative. Instead I will focus on the positive, the beauty, love, strength, courage, etc...


*//* I created the above image from an Amazing site called http://www.wordle.net/ I love it to create words images for spellwork & it works really well for these positive affirmation words.

This site http://www.goddess.com.au/affirmations.htm#AffirmationGenerator has some great ideas & tips for working with affirmations.

This post was inspired by the Pagan Blog Project -Letter H

Altar Woes & the usual stress

I have alot I wanted to blog about today. Firstly I have decided not to blog about my daily tarot card reading unless something interesting should occur. It just takes up too much space. I am instead doing it by hand in a different journal. But I will do a weekly tarot spread that I will post about. That being said I have found some insight that I posted about in my other blog so I am just going to copy what I wrote there:

I have started doing tarot readings once again and all I keep getting is sword, swords, swords. I never really view the swords as being all that positive, perhaps the images of many people being stabbed or blocked by swords don't help that. Maybe it is the double edge of the sword, sword is also that of action & with every action there is a reaction. The suit of swords is related to air- intellect, power, action, change, ambition, conflict.

Yesterday & today I both drew the card- Queen of Swords. To me it is all about confidence, independence, standing up for myself. Things I am failing to do. Where is that inner amazon I was striving to set free? & then today I pull a second card for clarification and added insight and what card do I get? Possibly the most self defining card for my issues- 8 of swords. It is a girl pictured bound & blindfolded surrounded by a prison of swords.

The prison is my own making. Trapped by my own fears. Blinded from the truth that is right in front of me. So where is my inner Amazon? Apparently I have tied her up and locked her up deep inside of me so she can't see the light of day. I tie myself up and lock myself away because I am scared. Scared of everything. i can't leave my house without having panic attacks. No actually I can't even think of leaving the house without getting myself into a panic. I am not free...

But can I change? Can I break free of this cage? I guess that is the million dollar question.

I hate it. I hate even more then no one understands. I think other people see it as just not wanting to do something. Like when the alarm goes off and you really do not want to get up. But you do it anyways. You drag yourself out of bed and go on with your life. And I think that is what is going on in other people's minds when I tell them. They just want to say, just do it. Duh it sucks but just get up and do it.

But it isn't like that. It isn't just about wanting to do something or not, sometimes it involves things I very much would like to do. It is about fear. Such deep rooted fear that can cripple you and make you feel like you want to just hide in a corner and cry but that you can't even move or breathe.

I know it isn't impossible. I know it is about the small things. Every moment, everyday just taking one small step in the right direction and not giving up. I can fill myself up with so much good positive attitude and then poof I fall apart before I get far. It is hard to keep that attitude going strong.

But I am not giving up. I will channel that amazon. Even if right now all i can get from her is a whisper within the darkness. I will hold on to it and build from there.


~~ yeah so i am stressed bleh. Deep breath, all will be well.






I found a park by my house. I have lived here almost a year and didn't know it was there bleh. I had searched for parks and found some a bit farther away but then yesterday I am talking to my DH while driving through this one neighborhood, about how pretty it was and green and while I do love my apartment it is right on mainstreet so when I go for walks I gotta walk right smack by the busy road and hate it and would love to walk in the quite neighborhood instead. And she is like well why don't you walk in the park? ME: eh what park? lol So he takes a alittle drive and sure enough a park, with a huge pond even and a walking trail around the pond. WTH!! It didn't show up on the online maps marked as a park so I had no idea. lol

Tomorrow if the weather isn't too horrid I will go walk there. Meditate by the water and walk around. Atleast something is going well. I really have been missing the outside far too much. this will do wonders for me.




Now onto my altar woes...


I want a real perfect lovely set up altar space. And it has been eating away at me. Currently I have my altar set up on the top of like a computer bookshelf thingy. It is in the corner and just is tiny and a terrible height and I just hate it.


So i wanted to buy this lovely cheapy coffee table I saw. it would have been divine! Plenty of space for the set up I want and I could put it up in the bedroom near the bed. But I am having money issues and the DH might be losing his job so buying anything right now is just not going to be in the cards. This ofcourse is annoying me to no end. So idk really what to do right now. I might just leave it set up on the shelf as it is an then for rituals just move it to our real coffee table for rituals.


Also I am working on some moon info for my blog and some craft projects and thinking of my Beltane ritual. So much to do.....